Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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