Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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