I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I died a long time ago.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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