the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
