I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
