His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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