Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
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Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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