i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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