I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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