im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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