Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
