So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
