this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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