ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
