Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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