I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
