The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
