Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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