I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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