My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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