Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
