Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
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She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
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I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course