Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.