My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
