Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
