please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
