I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
