I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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