I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
