do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize