this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
