My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
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