I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
