You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
