we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
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At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
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I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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