i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
