I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize