first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
