Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
