wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
