I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
