I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
