I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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