I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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