You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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