Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
