I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
