I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
