Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
