Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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