Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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