she woke up with a sticky ear
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
