where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
