chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I met the friendliest cop last night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
