i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
